Wherever You Will Go

These past few days have sucked. I feel like a cold heartless bitch because I dumped Ian and my dad seems to be on his side about it. I got told last night that just because we fight everyday, because I go to bed and wake up pissed off at him, and that my mental status should have no affect on us does not mean I should break up with him. Yeah, thanks dad. He did the same thing with my surgery, in fact he is still blaming everything but Blanda, and has reasons behind it. Of course, that really helps when the step of therapy I am working on is to forgive myself for tripping, and to forgive Blanda for screwing it up worse. So now I am doubting everything, and I mean everything.

Last night I had my first mental breakdown at practice in a month. I guess its because I sit there and watch. I don't feel like a teammate, I feel like I am the invisible spectator, the one who is always there, but never noticed. I know its not true in anyway, but that is how I feel.

I need to stop watching 16 & Pregnant, and Teen Mom. I know it sounds stupid, but after I watch it, I doubt my ability to be a mom LATER in life. I feel like I am going to fail my kids, and I do not like that feeling at all. I don't know how I am going to do it, but I am going to constantly screw up somehow. But then again, my game plan for kids is kinda screwed up so unless there is a way to nicely ask an ex-boyfriend to be a sperm donor, I don't see any thought of Damian Michael or Rowan Aisling anytime soon. But then again, Ian still figures that I will be with him again and so he is not making any plans to find another girl. At this point, it is still up in the air. The song in the title, it was supposed to be my wedding song, you know the first dance and all that jazz. I guess it wont be now.

On the good side however, I get to begin jumping at PT in two weeks, and i have not bitten my nails in a week. My sister and I are getting along, scary thought, and we leave for Myrtle tomorrow morning. Maybe the next week of being with my amazing, supportive, funny, team will help fix me.