I hit my breaking point with my ankle the other day, watching the batting cages. I had to leave, I should have left the building but I barely made it to the stairs without bawling. All the talk of how awesome the season is going to be is getting to me, mainly because I am not really a part of it. I know some care to differ, but right at this moment, I feel like the dumpy girl everyone forgets about. You know the one who always gets overlooked for everything, and eventually feels the need to brag about anything and everything to get attention? Yeah, I have turned into her. It took a while to get happy enough to stay in practice, and a song that ellicited a memory of a few short weeks ago.
Salsa dancing with the Wifey, Liv, and Nat. Having fun without the use of crutches, my first weekend being allowed to do anything. Its why I asked Nat what the name of the song was thursday at the end of practice, it brought out that memory. That fun. It reminded me how far I have gotten, and also how far I have fallen.
I spent nine years of my life doing something that made me happy, and kept me model skinny. I danced. I took ballet, tap, and jazz for nine years combined, and sure my moves with anything else sucked, but with those. That was my home. The dance studio every Tuesday afternoon. But my ankles were weak from spraining them during softball, and so I gave up ballet, as I was never going to make it to pointe, my ultimate goal for dance. I miss getting yellow and white roses from my uncle and my pappa, red and pink ones from my dad. I miss piling on a shit ton of make-up, the heels that we were required to wear for tap. The many, many feathers that were a part of our costumes. I miss invisible volleyball with Amanda between classes and lessons at the studio. Eventually, thanks to practice times, I gave up on dance to keep playing softball and volleyball. I loved volleyball, though my coaches left much to be wanted, I loved it. The feel of the gym floor as you went down on a dig, the feel of the ball hitting the heel of my hand during a serve. I miss it, I miss all of it. I had to give that up after I screwed up my knee the first time at a fall ball event. I partially tore my ACL, no surgery needed, just no more going down on the floor. With my knee being screwed up, I couldn't go back to dance, which just left me with my main love at that point, softball.
Now, I am at the point where I don't know whether or not to give up, and thats what makes me have a break down, the thought of giving up the last sport that has made me happy for so many years. It's why I am crying now. I am scorekeeping this year, again, and giving advice that I don't know whether or not I should be giving. Hell, if an injured person who had all of five games in Florida told me something about my swing, or my throw, I would not listen at all. I would act like I was, but then ignore it all. It doesn't help that I hear Katie talk about how she feels like missing these twenty games is going to screw her for her sophomore year. How she needs to get in at least five games to feel as though she has an impact. She at least has a chance to play this season. I think about how ater this season that would be over fourty games I have been out. Fourty games for tripping over third base, fourty, I think about the weight I gained last year from not being able to do anything and depression eating, I was up to 209 lbs by maymester, not going to lie. Sure I dropped twenty of it since then, but still, I cant do anything. I can catch in at practice, which feels really good, but it makes me miss it even more. I see girls with incredibly beautiful swings, and it makes me miss my own, I see pitchers working on their curveballs, my favorite pitch to throw.
I'm sorry if this seems choppy, its just really hard to write this. I am at the point where I jsut want to play one game of catch by the end of the season, one game of catch, third to first, foot work involved the entire way. But it's not going to happen. I will be allowed to practice in a few weeks, but the first few I am going to be allowed to throw for the knee drills. Running and general footwork are out for a while, batting is not going to be allowed until at least the end of April. Pitching, well, who knows on that part seeing as it is my drag foot.
The point is that I am at my breaking point, still. I feel as though I am getting no where, though I am walking now. I feel as though I should be out there on that gym floor running with everyone else, when in fact I am sitting and watching. I don't know if I can keep doing it. I don't think I can, I have to, but I don;t know if I can keep doing this.
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