I Should Be Studying

Its quite funny how every time I need to study that I find that the day I really want to procrastinate. I mean I did two tutorials and one haul for my other blog, cleaned my bedroom and living room, created a Ke$ha zumba playlist, watched umpteen youtube videos, cleaned my kitchen, wrote on a fanfiction I haven't written on in a while, and managed to do 3 of the 6 chapters I need to study. Ohhhh Yeahhhh...I am so getting far.

So now, here I am typing this blog my feet up on my coffee table, the one touching the powerpoints I should be studying. The class, nutrition, the verdict, don't care. It shows how much I do not care about that class. Yesterday I made one of my goals for this month, visit a mall without buying anything. Sure it was easy since we only had about an hour and I wanted to visit a working friend, but there was a Sephora in the mall, and Charlotte Russe had a lip gloss set that I had been eyeing on sale. Still made it our, but not without first snapping a picture of the funniest thing yet. I think they have been taking suggestions from my booski who likes to wrap my birthday gifts with a lime green thong...

 Yes...it is a lacy thong in a box, and you are supposed to purchase a giftcard to put inside. Sara, I hope they paid you for this idea.

Last night I also randomly decided to try out a new recipe, and since no one died, I think it will work. I really missed hanging out with the girls across the way, I just never like to go over since I feel like I would be intruding onto their lives, and I don't like that. Then again, they probably know more about me then they would like, but I am a really open person when I want to be. Maybe a little too open...

Ian is back to being his dark and brooding self, so yays! I like him dark and brooding, it makes me happy for some reason. Maybe its my affinity for cold powerful book characters, or maybe its just the change back from sad and depressive.

One week until Myrtle, and about 11 days until the anniversary of me and my ankle hooking up. I think for our anniversary I will ask it from a break up until we can get our own lives back together, as we have had some major issues along our 1 year relationship, and I don;t know if I can go on with it.

So yeah, that was my randomness, I guess I just needed to type it out today. Its days like today I like to sit and wonder who the hell decided that procrastination was a thing we needed in our lives? Sure its fun for a while, then comes crunch time which involves panicking, and crying, and insomnia from us staying up to finish what we needed to get done. I mean, think about it, if not for procrastination, all of our projects would be finished the day they were assigned, we wouldnt be stressed, but we would not be having as much fun as we do when we sit back, relax, and know that the lab worksheet on our desk is not finished, there are chapters I still have to read, and those powerpoints need highlighted. I guess I get most of the apartment work done then, so though it is not being productive in the way I need to be, it is productive in the way I want to be.

Yours Truly,
Laurel Lee

Dealing

So, as you all know, I have not been having a happy few months. Unhappy enough that I started therapy two weeks ago because of it. Well, things are looking up, and I don't think its from lying on a couch talking about what makes me so depressed, bitchy, etc. Nope, it was a trip home and a talk with both my mammaw and my aunt.

I hate cemetaries at night. Can't stand them, guess I watched too many horror movies as a kid, and now too many romance novels with sci fi twists that still keep cemetaries off limits at night for me. Yeah, it makes Ian's ultimate fantasy a bit hard to preform, but there are still a few years before I will even think about that. I do love cemetaries in the day, not the more modern ones with the headstones that are flat to the earth to make care taking easier. I love the ones with the weeping angels looking over children's graves, mausoleums peering out through a small foresty area, large tombstones with Mother Mary's, crosses, and even the occasional personal likeness. I guess that is why I like going to visit and talk to my Mammaw so much. I drive out to mogadore, and in a small country area there is Saint Michaels Cemetary and to the first tombstone to on the left is the graves of my Mammaw and her hubby, my Great Grandpa Homa. Sure, I never met him, but my mammaw, she was something else. She is the one who kept my family together, all barely hundred pounds of her. She could beat up her boys, and guilt the women over the tiniest things, and well, she was one of the few Homa's who liked my mother right off the bat. Maybe it was the size similarities, who knows. She always babysat all of us kids, me, my sister, my cousins, all of us. She would also yell at all of us, and then force us to eat apple sauce, hot dogs, and kraft mac and cheese. Okay so maybe force is not the correct term, it was more like she would get out the pans to make it and by the time she turned around to go to the pantry, we would be sitting at the dining room table. She was always so proud of us, and so when we lost her when I was in second grade, it sucked majorly. Now my sister and I make sure to visit her weekly for her, and whenever I am home. It feels weird to not drive out by ourselves and have a few minutes "conversing" with our mammaw. We go out, tell her what is going on, whats wrong with us, how much we miss her, kiss her tombstone and leave. Its more therapeutic than sitting at my spot in the park, and normally I feel better immediately.

Then while I was home, I spent more time with my Aunt Shell than normal. Alone time with her which is not normal at all. We ran her errands, which were mainly to all the stores I had gone to earlier in the day. J.C. Penneys, Borders, Walgreens, Staples, Michael , and then to her house to show off all the butterfly stuff she has for her new little house which is being worked on right now. Of course, she has a ton of stuff for the house, and I have already offered to buy a set of pictures off of her. Even better than the shopping though was the talking. First I felt guilty telling her my problems when she is still getting over the loss of her husband, my Green Bay lovin Uncle Jon/Frog. But then, I just let it out because she assured me that it was alright, that everyone gets down on themselves at times and its often best to just let it out. She also bought me a book on positive thinking, which though it took me a few days to crack open, and since it was written by a preacher, I am following her advice and sticking to a chapter a night. She tried all the way through when she first bought a copy for herself, and well, she could not do it. So she waited a few months and tried again, once chapter per night and that worked best. After reading the first four chapters of it, I agree, one chapter per night, and have something enjoyable to read afterwords or else you will be dreaming about bible verses all night long. I have to thank her for that again when I am done reading it, it has really helped.

So though things are getting better, and I am letting go of the Blanda thing, and the Florida thing, its tough to think about the fact that in 13 days, it will be a year from the incident, and I will be score keeping by day, lying out on the beach with that positive thinking book at night.

Love You All
Laurel Lee

The Simplest Things

It's quite funny how the simplest things can make us happy. The thought of snow days, scissors cutting through construction paper, the flicker of a burning candle, the smell of fresh italian goodness cooking in the oven. The simple stuff, the stuff we take for granted often is the things we appreciate the least, so here is my thank you to all of that happy simple goodness that happens at least once or twice a year.

-To the Mini Marshmallows in the hot chocolate, a pleasant surprise when you pour in the mix without looking at what you grabbed out of the cupboard.
-To the peaceful sound of falling rain for giving a nice background music to my dreams.
-To my dog who is a belly rub whore, you take my stress away
-To the cold glass of water on a hot summer day
-to the flip flops that don't care that summer was months ago.
-To the tv being on the channel you want it when it first turns on
-To the money found in the pocket of a pair of pants or a coat you have not worn in a while.
-To the warm blanket fresh out of the dryer, whose soft fabric I cuddle with almost immeadiately,
-To the book you can't put down, no matter if its the thousandth time you read it.
-To the comfort food, whether it be lasagna, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, or even hot dogs muxed with mac & cheese.
-To the sunshine that glints off the snow on the cold winters day, or the sand on the beach in warmer weather.
-To the hot showers and bubble baths meant solely for relaxation. Who cares about being clean when you have bubbles?
-To the lemon scented pine sol, making you want to clean.
-Well, to anything lemon scented.
-To the warm spot left in your bed when someone you were cuddling decides to get out, and you decide to get in. It's better than a heated blanket.
-To mens deoderant and all the yummy smelling scents it comes in.\
-To the tiny little creeks with little diamonds of sunlight glinting off the water.
- To free samples with purchase of something you actually needed.
-To the days when the universe gives you what you need.
-To the amazing thing we all know as warm cookies and cold milk...

Those are only some of the things we overlook in our lives, and you know, with things as awesome as those, who needs the rest of what life throws at us? We have our own things to get us by, if only we look and listen to the falling snow, or smell some fresh baked cookies.

Basic Sportsmanship

Good Game Cougars, it was a close one, and a great one to watch at that. However, there is one thing I would like to touch upon that was not met at that game; Sportsmanship. Today, while sitting with the rest of the softball girlies, we got to hear two sets of W&J fans the entire game. Not only were they throwing fits about a majority of the calls, but also did not know basic rules of the game.

"Sportsmanship is a set of behaviors to be exhibited by student-athletes, coaches, game officials, administrators and fans in athletics competition. These behaviors are based on values, including respect, civility, fairness, honesty and responsibility." Today, that was not met by these fans who could not help but to voice their opinion on every call, pass, basket, or team player who stepped onto the court. It is fans like these who give our college athletics a bad name. It is fans who cannot even support their own team without making excuses the entire game that make the viewing expirience for others rather unpleasant.

I would like to thank everyone who did support their team without yelling at the ref every single call, or yelling out "three seconds" everytime a cougar got the ball.

Lastly, good job to the refs. They followed one of the first rules of basic Refereeing which is used no matter what the sport. Don;t let the fans get to you, and if you Dont/Do call something, you keep Not calling/calling that same act, no matter which team has the ball. If not, then you are being unfair. It's like in softball, if a low outside pitch is not a strike for one team, then that same low outside pitch is not a strike for the other team.

Yours Truly
Laurel Lee

Ten O'Clock Tears

I hit my breaking point with my ankle the other day, watching the batting cages. I had to leave, I should have left the building but I barely made it to the stairs without bawling. All the talk of how awesome the season is going to be is getting to me, mainly because I am not really a part of it. I know some care to differ, but right at this moment, I feel like the dumpy girl everyone forgets about. You know the one who always gets overlooked for everything, and eventually feels the need to brag about anything and everything to get attention? Yeah, I have turned into her. It took a while to get happy enough to stay in practice, and a song that ellicited a memory of a few short weeks ago.

Salsa dancing with the Wifey, Liv, and Nat. Having fun without the use of crutches, my first weekend being allowed to do anything. Its why I asked Nat what the name of the song was thursday at the end of practice, it brought out that memory.  That fun. It reminded me how far I have gotten, and also how far I have fallen.

I spent nine years of my life doing something that made me happy, and kept me model skinny. I danced. I took ballet, tap, and jazz for nine years combined, and sure my moves with anything else sucked, but with those. That was my home. The dance studio every Tuesday afternoon. But my ankles were weak from spraining them during softball, and so I gave up ballet, as I was never going to make it to pointe, my ultimate goal for dance. I miss getting yellow and white roses from my uncle and my pappa, red and pink ones from my dad. I miss piling on a shit ton of make-up, the heels that we were required to wear for tap. The many, many feathers that were a part of our costumes. I miss invisible volleyball with Amanda between classes and lessons at the studio. Eventually, thanks to practice times, I gave  up on dance to keep playing softball and volleyball. I loved volleyball, though my coaches left much to be wanted, I loved it. The feel of the gym floor as you went down on a dig, the feel of the ball hitting the heel of my hand during a serve. I miss it, I miss all of it. I had to give that up after I screwed up my knee the first time at a fall ball event. I partially tore my ACL, no surgery needed, just no more going down on the floor. With my knee being screwed up, I couldn't go back to dance, which just left me with my main love at that point, softball.

Now, I am at the point where I don't know whether or not to give up, and thats what makes me have a break down, the thought of giving up the last sport that has made me happy for so many years. It's why I am crying now. I am scorekeeping this year, again, and giving advice that I don't know whether or not I should be giving. Hell, if an injured person who had all of five games in Florida told me something about my swing, or my throw, I would not listen at all. I would act like I was, but then ignore it all. It doesn't help that I hear Katie talk about how she feels like missing these twenty games is going to screw her for her sophomore year. How she needs to get in at least five games to feel as though she has an impact. She at least has a chance to play this season. I think about how ater this season that would be over fourty games I have been out. Fourty games for tripping over third base, fourty, I think about the weight I gained last year from not being able to do anything and depression eating, I was up to 209 lbs by maymester, not going to lie. Sure I dropped twenty of it since then, but still, I cant do anything. I can catch in at practice, which feels really good, but it makes me miss it even more. I see girls with incredibly beautiful swings, and it makes me miss my own, I see pitchers working on their curveballs, my favorite pitch to throw.

I'm sorry if this seems choppy, its just really hard to write this. I am at the point where I jsut want to play one game of catch by the end of the season, one game of catch, third to first, foot work involved the entire way. But it's not going to happen. I will be allowed to practice in a few weeks, but the first few I am going to be allowed to throw for the knee drills. Running and general footwork are out for a while, batting is not going to be allowed until at least the end of April. Pitching, well, who knows on that part seeing as it is my drag foot.

The point is that I am at my breaking point, still. I feel as though I am getting no where, though I am walking now. I feel as though I should be out there on that gym floor running with everyone else, when in fact I am sitting and watching. I don't know if I can keep doing it. I don't think I can, I have to, but I don;t know if I can keep doing this.