I hate having people help me

I hate it when I need help to do the simplest things, such as right now while Ian is making me a bagel, a bagel. A very simple task indeed. I hate that right now I need help for even the smallest movements, seeing as I cant even get the band on my sweats to go over my ankle, which when I try hurts like freaking hell. I know I will be grumpy and snappy this week, because I like being an independent person who can do what she wants, when she wants, not wait ten minutes so that I can get dressed in the morning because no one is up yet. I hate it. I hate that my ankle is killling me slowly, through pain, through me being grumpy and pushing people away because I do not like accepting help from others though right now I have to swallow my pride and just do it.

So you may have wondered why I created this entirely new blog. Well for starters I was beginning to lose it because it used the wrong email, and mainly for that reason Is why I switched. I know, I know, its a petty reason, seeing how I have the new one set up the same exact way. I guess I just needed a slight change, which is something I normally get by moving around the furniture. Creating a new blog is just that, its me changing my cyberspace furniture.

This blog is mainly an apology today, for all the reasons stated above, but more. I am sorry to whomever I snap at, I really don't mean it, I am just on the edge and out of my routine, and because the percosett does not kick in as quickly as I would like. I am sorry if I am grumpy, pissy, annoying, yelly, shouty, and everything else that comes with a two year olds temper tantrum. Sorry everyone, I do still love you all, and that giant basket that you did not have to make. But I do love it.

Give Me A Sign

So as you all may know, I struggle with relationships(if the fiance while first coming into college didn't tell you that, I hope you get smacked with a shovel.) and currently I am wonderign if everything is even worth it. I don't know if I am in love anymore, I think I say it more out of routine and comfort. I know he is holding on through everything because to him, I am the only thing he will ever want or need, but I am not so sure of that. Quite frankly, I believe I am much too chubby, and bitchy for him. I believe that he needs someone who isn't so bipolar or easily frustrated because that is exactly what I am with him, constantly.

Recently I told him everything going through my mind about that concept, and the whole I don;t know if I still love him thing. We decided that since I was tired of constantly hurting him, that we would try to sneak out of the routine that we fell into. Maybe I was just too comfy with the thought of us. Well as of last nights long phone call about dinosaurs, and family guy, with a hint of favorite food types(any food that mixes Chinese and chicken is good by me), and just stuff besides "Hi honey how was your day, I went to blah blah, bought some blahs, and finally studied blah". And guess what, that was the first phone call that I did not want to go out and make out with any random man in pittsburgh. So who knows, maybe that is all we need, and if not, at least it is a start. Oh and for those who want to laugh, he claims that he is going to carry me up the stairs in the morning. My bet is five steps before failing. Maybe it is all we needed, to get out of the routine, get out of the same old same old, and to almost make our relationship shiney and new instead of old and tarnished.