Lately, I have been really tired, and sore, and well tired. I thought by now I would be back, back in softball, where I was, not having to ice things before and after every practice. But, I'm not. Sure my teammates say I am holding my own, and hanging with them all, but it doesnt feel like it on my end. I feel like there is still more that can come out of me, like I should be working longer to get back. But I can't, I'm not allowed, at least not until after fallball is over. Then I can work on sprinting for a couple hours, after doing the rest of my stuff.
I understand that no one wants to see me get taken out again, it was devastating enough mentally for me that I honestly do not think I can go through it again. I just thought that maybe, just once, I would not be seeing Debbie and Katelynn every day for icing something other than my arm. I thought that hey, I ran a mile all summer, I should be able to run it now without anything hurting. But thats not the case. It does hurt to run and to sprint, and for once, I am not allowed to ignore it and work through it. I guess thats the biggest thing here is that normally I would just work through an injury, and now, after my ankle, I feel like I am watching every movement, analyzing every play, and just causing myself to go mental again.
Its just that I do not feel like I did my first year coming in. I feel weaker, possibly slower though I know that one is not true. I didn't get one turtle comment while sprinting this summer. I just don't feel there, and maybe I do just need a game to feel there. Maybe I do need to quit trying to prove myself, to myself. My teammates seem to be happy with me, my coach acts like it too, but its the Phantom player in me that keeps saying, 'you need work kid, you used to hit triples with ease, and slide without an issue. You used to pitch accurately, and were a junk ball pitcher, now look at you'.
I need to build on this season, and quit focusing on the past ones. Getting back is a part of the journey, and typically it is the longest part, and its a part I thought I would be done with by now. My current issues stem from my old injury, the getting back into the swing of things. and honestly, there is nothing I can do about that.
I need to focus on the now, and see how much I have improved in the last year, see that this time last year, I was in a boot, getting out of the boot to walk around a bit, because I had just learned that I needed surgery. I guess the best thing I can do is continue to give it my all at practice, work hard, rest when I am supposed too(which will be the hardest part), and be there for my teamates just as much as they have been there for me.
I may be on the journey back right now, but believe me, I will be fully back soon enough.
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