Today I made a decision that has been long time coming; Ian and I finally went on break. It should have happened like last february, but it didn't, I have been putting it off hoping he would get better without one for far too long.
I knew it was not going to get better after our last fight, which was about me falling asleep without telling him I was in the apartment, or in bed. It happened last night after the movie. I woke up this morning to my inbox blown up and four voicemails from him. Then after trying to talk about it, we ended up at the same place we always do, him calling me a bitch, and too much like the pittsburgh girls, and me telling him that he is a controlling, insecure asshole. Every fight ends in that, and everytime, I want to curl up in a ball with my puppy. But I am not in akron, so my wookie is nowhere to be found. Instead I told him that we need to go on break, that he agreed to it, and that it is to the point that I dont know if I love him, or if I am just forcing myself to. I don't know what I want when it comes to him, and I told him how much of my self esteem has been carved away every time he calls me a bitch, or any other name he calls me. I told him that because of him, I stress eat. Its why I put on over fifty pounds since we started dating(now its down to thirty). I shouldnt have to stress about my life goals because he cant achieve any of his. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not he is getting even more depressed, though he has nothing to pay for. I shouldn't be the only one worried about the fact that he has been kicked out of two colleges.
All in all, I shouldn't be putting my life on hold to figure out his. And it is what I have been doing since day one, sure I came out here and am getting my education, but I spend more time on the phone with him because of his issues then I do studying. It is why my gpa is still slightly fucked up.
Here is to change.
Laurel Lee
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