Weirdness

It’s been a while since I have had a somewhat meaningful blog, and so this feels weird. Sure another paragraph or two in and I will feel welcomed into blogdom again, but for right now, its almost, I don’t know. It feels familiar, but different from what it used to feel like. Like I don’t know what to do…

Ian and I went on break, though it was really short. I felt guilty about it, I felt guilty that it hurt him, and I felt guilty that he was angry about it. That break ended barely 24 hours later. I am weak, I know. The problem is communication. I don’t like constant texting, or calling, or cutsey crap, he needs it. He needs to know where I am at all times, and gets mad if I don’t tell him exactly when I get back to the apartment. Like when we had movie night last week, I told him I was in Sanger Hall, he thought it was part of a different campus. If it was I would have said “hey, I am not on Chatham’s campus, I am at blah blah.” But he doesn’t believe that. 

Two friends of mine are hopefully coming up soon, can’t wait to see them, because quiet frankly, I don’t want to go home right now. I don’t think things are right there at the moment, seeing as I have talked to my dad more this week then in the past few months. He never calls, especially not to say “I wanted to get your voicemail so that I could tell you that I am proud of you”. That never happens, not in my family. I guess things are going rough for my great Aunt, as my parents bought her home in Florida, which means my Uncle Bob is getting worse, well at least one of them is. The one in Michigan is doing fine so it seems, and he is gaining weight again which is a good thing. A tiny Homa man is a scary thing. My other aunt is finally moving out of the house her and my uncle shared for at least a decade after they moved out of their apartment. It feels weird, knowing that my Uncle Frog will never be in the new house, never let his boy scout crap clog up an attic, or fishing stuff sit in the wine cellar area of the really old and spooky basement. It’s hard to believe that it has almost been three years since we lost him, and two years since we lost my Pappa. It’s strange, and yet, it still makes me cry to think about. I wanted them both to see just one game of mine, just one truly awesome game, and well, they aren’t going to see it in person, I won’t be able to run up and give my Pappa a hug after, or like after dance recitals, get a big bouquet of yellow roses from each of them. It’s weird to think about.

I am tired of my ankle not getting well. It is getting better, but it’s just so slowly that I can’t take it. It makes me wonder if it is worth it to go back and play next year. Though I know it’s all I have wanted, watching at practice, makes me cry on the way back to the apartment every time. I should be out there, breathing heavily and possibly passing out because I hate running, but I should be out there with the rest of my team. I think I am just having a bad week, I don’t feel as though I exist anymore.

Love Always,

Laurel Lee

What Do You Want From Me

Today I made a decision that has been long time coming; Ian and I finally went on break. It should have happened like last february, but it didn't, I have been putting it off hoping he would get better without one for far too long.

I knew it was not going to get better after our last fight, which was about me falling asleep without telling him I was in the apartment, or in bed. It happened last night after the movie. I woke up this morning to my inbox blown up and four voicemails from him. Then after trying to talk about it, we ended up at the same place we always do, him calling me a bitch, and too much like the pittsburgh girls, and me telling him that he is a controlling, insecure asshole. Every fight ends in that, and everytime, I want to curl up in a ball with my puppy. But I am not in akron, so my wookie is nowhere to be found. Instead I told him that we need to go on break, that he agreed to it, and that it is to the point that I dont know if I love him, or if I am just forcing myself to. I don't know what I want when it comes to him, and I told him how much of my self esteem has been carved away every time he calls me a bitch, or any other name he calls me. I told him that because of him, I stress eat. Its why I put on over fifty pounds since we started dating(now its down to thirty). I shouldnt have to stress about my life goals because he cant achieve any of his. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not he is getting even more depressed, though he has nothing to pay for. I shouldn't be the only one worried about the fact that he has been kicked out of two colleges.

All in all, I shouldn't be putting my life on hold to figure out his. And it is what I have been doing since day one, sure I came out here and am getting my education, but I spend more time on the phone with him because of his issues then I do studying. It is why my gpa is still slightly fucked up.

Here is to change.
Laurel Lee

We never know what is truly going on.

Well, I am most deff watching The Magic Schoolbus, I did not even think that it was still being played, but Saturday morning cartoons can always surprise you. Its nice to watch those childhood memories, its relaxing, and for some reason it is getting rid of the headache I have had for the past few days.

I know I said that when I came back to Chatham, I would be single, but after spending my break without a single fight, or a single stress we decided that after our first fight, we would go on break. But there are some external circumstances that have me thinking, and in all reality, I do not know what to do.

Odds are, I am going to take a break from blogging for a while so I can think, because I am going to admit, I don't know what is going to happen.

Love you all,
Laurel Lee

She's Got The Look

Lately I have been really messing around and having fun with make-up, so I would like to dedicate at least one blog to what has become a fun past time for me, though my face has been looking bad recently. So, if you don't want to read about me being all girly, skip it. If not, go right on ahead reading. I have my skin troubles in the first paragraph, so that is skipable. This is mainly me writing just to write again, maybe I will have a good blog coming up later in the week, but for now, cosmetics it is.

First off, my skin used to be amazing, no acne, few black heads, little oil, just nice pretty pale skin. Recently, I don't know if its from stress or what, it has gone out of whack. So that is the reason its been looking heavily made up is because at least when its orangey, its all one color. I think I am going to try a different pillow case, and maybe something for my hands, like chenille gloves because its just the one side that has really whacked out. Maybe its because the one pillow I keep on my bed at night for neck support to keep me from being cranky is just way to old.

Recently I got rid of all my old make-up products that were really old. The oldest things I have now are two eye-shadow trios, a lip gloss, and a lipstick that I never really used. I filled up my drawer organizer thingy with stuff by e.l.f. cosmetics which are all very tiny little things. They are inexpensive, the most expensive thing I have from there is $3, which is a complexion perfection pressed powder, which goes on last. Everything else is a dollar, and though they do not look as though they will last a long time, they last at least a month and a half, that's where I am for some of my stuff, and I have not reached the tin yet. So in my little target three drawer organizer I have on my desk(I have 2 of them, one for school supplies one for cosmetics) I have it set up with the top drawer being eyes, the middle drawer being lips/misc, and the bottom drawer being face. I did not plan it to be eyes lips face like the brand, it just happened. I think I am going to go drawer by drawer and say what I like, like I said before, I am typing just to type.

Bottom/Face: In this drawer everything is e.l.f. and there is only one bad thing I could have said, but it is going to get changed. To start off, I have the tinted moisturizer in ivory which comes in this teeney tiny squeeze tube, but it lasts, I have been on the same bottle since the end of November, and I use it almost every day. It smells wonderful, like a mixture of oranges and shea butter, with just enough tint in it that I could possibly go without powder. It's so soft and light, and I just love the smell. It makes my morning just with that smell. Next I have the Clarifying Pressed Powder in Rosy Beige it is also a tiny container but it lasts. The container does not fit the powder puff, which is fine for me since I use brushes anyways, the puffs end up getting used for blending. The powder is light, and provides a good amount of coverage since I do not wear foundation anymore. I have two blushes and a bronzer, the bronzer is the only bad thing I would say because for me, the lightest shade they had at the time I bought it is too orangey and tan for my skin color. But if I ever wanted to look like my Jersey Shore role model Snooki, I would be set. I have two of the blushes, one in shy which is a pretty pretty pink, and one in innocent which is a darker pink. Shy looks like it would be brighter so I was a bit nervous about using it, but it turns out this pretty barely there pink color on my skin. The last two face things I have from this brand are from the studio collection. One is the complexion perfcetion compact which has green blue red and yellow powders in it, mix it up, add it to your face at the end and it nuetralizes any extra colors that are in the skin or make up. Then there is the shimmer pallette in shimmering sunrise which is four cream shimmers which I use on my cheekbones or inner corned of my eyes depending on the day. Lastly I have one Clinique sample blush in chestnut blush which is a pretty tan color.

Middle/Lip Misc drawer: In here I have one Clinique lipstick which my nanna gave to me because it was too light for her in Precious Pink, its a light sheer pink, and it lasts no where near long enough on my lips. I have two lip balms, one that is plain and Neutragena, one that is Bath and Body Works in Sparkling Melon. It is my favorite lip thing ever. I also have one Goldie lip gloss in Naked which I also got from B&BW, the outlet store of course that is a neutral tan color with a hint of pink. In here I also have a tooth paste, eyeliner/lipliner sharpeners, and aspirin for aspirin facials. I have one more thing, its a Wet and Wild lip liner and stick duo in a pretty coral color.

Top/Eye Drawer: I have an Almay mascara in Chocolate Quartz, and I have not found a really good mascara since my favorite was discontinued(if anyone is wondering it was Clean Lash Tint by Neutragena), I have not been able to find it for about three years now. Remember to throw out your mascara every three to four months since it goes bad. I have Three eye shadow minis in that drawer as well, one is clinique in sugar sugar/double date, I don't wear that one as much anymore, I think I just need to throw it out. I have one wet and wild mega eyes in whatever one is good for the blue eyes. It has three shades of brown to create a brown smokey eye. Lastly when it comes to shadows I have a quad by e.l.f is noveau neutrals, but I will probably not buy it again, one the browns are not very pigmented, and two because I now have my 88 color pallette. Next I have my primers/bases which are mainly eye shadow pencils that I have re-purposed. I have two avon(slate and blackest black), one Jane(one silvery purple), and one true eyelid primer by e.l.f. which I use as an undereye concealer since it really does not work well for me as a primer. I love the e.l.f eyeliners, they are creamy and smooth and they glide over your eye with little tugging or pulling, and the one is a really good dupe for Revlons eyeliner pencil in Smoke(Ash by ELF) I also have the black and the plum, and the brightening eye widener which is just a white liner.

Above my organizer thingy I have my 88 color pallette by bh Cosmetics which is amazing so far. It is without a doubt my favorite christmas present to myself. Plus on eBay you can easily get it for ten to fifteen bucks. I have an e.l.f. beauty encyclopedia in smokey eyes from my nanna which was a christmas present which has twelve shadows, a liner, and instructions on how to do a smokey eye if you already don't know how. My last pallette is also e.l.f and I got it for free because of coupon codes. I got it for bdaymini, but at the same time they were giving it away as holidaymini, and it has ten shadows, one is a cream shadow which I also use as a base since its think enough, ten lip glosses, one brow powder, a blush(pretty sure its innocent), and one bronzer(way to dark for me). Its a cute little thing with some pretty good color payoff.

I also have the e.l.f. professional line of brushes to replace my old ones from essence of beauty. They are good quality, and really soft. I got the set of twelve for ten bucks, and they are just standing in a little round container. They work really well on all of my products, and well, I am completely happy with them. For cheap brushes they work really well, and are really really soft.

So if you read this far, I commend you on your abillity to deal with me and my gibberish about my make up. Also, be prepared, I may have leopard spotted eyes one of these days.

Yours Truly
Laurel Lee

Get Up Now!

So I realize that I have not blogged since last year, its been so long. Well, what can I say, I have been busy, and have not had the urge to write. I did get my eyeshadow pallette and have been having fun with that. Yep, I did bright blue eyes with zebra stripes, and yes, I will wear them sometime soon, when, well, that depends on the occasion.

     SO the new year almost dictates a resolution or two, and who am I to try and deny tradition? Every year, my resolution has t been to lose weight, and until around September of last year, I had almost achieved it, then I had surgery, and got depressed, and all that stuff that is the past, and gone, and nothing will come of it. This year, I am going to tweak that resolution a bit. I have decided to eat healthier, which means that odds are, I may be a bit more veggie lovin in the future. In fact the only meat I have had this week, was PF Changs last night. I have found an amazing black bean dip recipe, that is low in caloric content, high in fiber, and high in all around yummyness.  The next lovely resolutin is to get out and dance, or go dancing, and just all around be happier and movier. Yes, I wrote movier. I missed moving around and dancing, and though the Frat we went to last night ended up being a bust, it was still close to the most fun I have had in a while. So while the girls find a classier place to go, I may be dancing around the living room with the blinds up. Just sayin.

      My last resolution for the year, is just to be happier. To not let others opinions dictate what I do, thus the super mini zebra print skirt last night. And the going to school in Pittsburgh, and not asking Blanda for an internship this summer, as my father wants. This year, I want to be the best year yet, it will give 2012 a baseline to get better.

       One last thing I have to do before I think about what color scheme I am doing for my eyes next, and that is what the heck is that song that Alison and Liv were listening to yesterday with the really cute umbrella in it, and had something to do with whispering. Its been running through my mind, without sound so I have no idea who its by or how it goes.


Yours Truly,
Laurel Lee