Sometimes its better not to write

My relaxing days at home disapeared today for two reasons. One is that I am sick, congested, and I feel as though my head weighs like fifty pounds. Then there was the arrival of a letter from an attorney, and yay Uncle Douche is in charge of mine, my sisters, and my cousins inheritances from one of our Uncle Bobs. What the fricking hell, he isn't even in the will... Oh, wait a second, a $250.00 letter, you couldn't at least proofread to make sure you spelled the name of the deceased correctly. Its Hartwick, not Harwick you moron.

Oh, well nothing I can do about that until monday. So today, I think I am just going to say a few words about batting. So if you would not like to read my musings about batting, well then, just ignore me for now.

Batting, its such a stupendous wonderful thing...

Alright, screw it, I am too annoyed to write about something that makes me feel elated. It feels as though maybe writing about it with this over my head will turn it into this monstrous thing that I won't be able to do. I can't do that to my bat, to the batters box so perfectly lined in white chalk with the smell of sunny heated turf rising off of it.

Sorry.

Laurel Lee

April Sucks, Bring On May

I hate this month so far. It sucks, it stinks, its horrible, and above all, it makes me cry at softball practice. Things have not been great this month, and well, they keep getting worse.  As you already know, both of my uncle Bob's passed away. my dad found out he had a heart attack, my grandma went on antidepressants and refuses to take them. My parents went to court with my uncle again of my grandpa's estate, but that battle has been going on for two years now.


Yesterday I found out that my best friend, my unrelated sister, is pregnant. She and her man had broken up for about two months, but lived in the same house so as not to break their lease. Well they got back together and had fantabulous unprotected make up sex. She found out she was pregnant yesterday, and well, she is moving across the country to San Diego half way through the pregnancy. Her family and pregnancy really does not go well, as every female who got pregnant has had troubles and issues during the pregnancy. At least Dan is going to marry her after the baby is born, still though, I am scared for her.

Today, right before practice which is why I was crying while everyone was running, I found out that my mother got laid off from her job. Sure her company has been going under for a while, but she has been the unofficial VP for the past few years. SHe found out today, and though she isnt torn up about it because she has always hated her job, its still hurts that my mom got laid off and has been looking for another job already for the past year.

Softball hopefully looks up soon, because I don't think I can take watching another loss and not being able to do anything about it.

May, come this way soon. Please, I am begging you.

Yours Truly,
Laurel Lee

Happiness

Today was spectacular, sure it started out rocky, but one thing made it ten times better. I got to throw today. Sure, you can hypothetical squirt gun me all you want, but in reality it didn't just feel good, it felt specfuckingtacular. My hand felt like it found an old friend in my mitt, and my arm felt like, well, I can;t even describe how good it felt. I can't, it felt that good. I may cry it felt so good.

I only lasted about seven minutes throwing, which though I would have liked to go longer, its been six months since I last threw, so my arm is not used to that. Now its time to slowly work it back to its old ability to throw for periods of time, then work on my footwork. My base will be mine once more. After that, it will be time to hit, and then, last but not least, time to pitch again. I can't wait!!

I get to run some more tomorrow, and you know what, thanks to that small amount of time throwing, I can't wait to run for eight minutes. Maybe I will push it and go ten, or maybe just stick to eight like I am supposed too. Who knows? All I know is right now my arm is feeling some burn from not throwing, and it feels amazing!

Here's to recovery finally paying off!
Laurel Lee

A few random thoughts

I need to find a way to love running. The first few days were great, because well, I was running, but the novelty of the fact that I am now running has worn off, and I am back to thinking 'i hate this, i hate this, i hate this...' the entire run. Due to that, I don;t think I can make ten minutes, I can barely do eight now. I need to change my mentality on it, and I don't know how. Maybe my old cross country loving friends can help me out on this one, or maybe I just need to run with my iPod and focus on the music, though I shouldn't because I need to focus on not prancing.

I hate when my team has their games,  either way I cry at the end of them. I can't help to think 'well, they don;t need me anymore so is it worth coming back' when they win, and 'what if I was out there, could I have somehow changed something in that game so we could have won' when we lose. I hold it in until I get back to the apartment, then I let it all out. It sucks to go from a starter all through your softball career to not even knowing if and when you will be back, because you may not have a spot, or you may just not get to play. It sucks sitting on that bench, scorekeeping because its the only thing you can currently do, and I don't want to not scorekeep, because, if I do, I will look at every play in the game and think about what if I was on that field somewhere. At least scorekeeping keeps me grounded.

Tomorrow, after practice, i get to throw for the first time in six months. My arm may hate me the day after, but I plan on throwing for at least half an hour, at least. I know I want to throw for like three hours, but with how out of shape I am, and with how I have not been able to throw in so long, I know half an hour may be pushing it. So if you want to see what happens when you do not throw for six months, hang around after practice. I may even be able to do some knee drills for pitching.

So, goals for this week; Change my running mentality to make it a mile in running,  Throw for half an hour each day, and focus on the fact that if I work hard all summer, my spot is mine, and no one can take it from me, hopefully.

Yours Truly
Laurel Lee

Life Throws Curveballs, Right Into Your Kneecaps

I thought I was already having a bad week, and then for a second it looked brighter, and then it got worse. Of course that is what happens, life throws you a fat meatball and you take it out of the park, and then your next at bat, its gonna comeback with a curveball aimed right at your knee's. Its going to get you hard enough that you dont want to move for a bit, curl up in your bed with your stuffed panda and cry.

So, if you hadn't heard, my one of my Uncle Bob's passed away early sunday morning. About 6 months after his wife passed away. We knew it was coming, but it wasn't supposed to be for at least another year. They do not know if it was the cancer, or if it was just his time to go...

I get to spend time with my Uncle Douche next week. That long draw out saga still continues, but hey, maybe I will get to see the girls I call my nieces though they are my cousins kids. Maybe I will see my other cousins boys too, that will be nice though it is for the funeral. But I will be in the same house with him next week, as we are all staying in my Uncle Bobs house. Yay...same house, same feuding brothers, this is going to be awesome(insert sarcasm)

My father had a heart attack last month, his stress test is thursday. They do not know when he had it, but something in his ECG was so completely different that he got to take a questionaire and well, he exhibited all the signs and symptoms. Thing is, it was right around the court date with Uncle Douche that all the symptoms appeared.

Good news time, I brought my grade in physiology up, yay!!! My last test was good enough to bring me up about eight percent.

Coaches were highly pissed off today, to the point where Coach B. said to me "Thanks for being here though it must be tough to see your team letting you down". They were very pissed, and well, I don;t blame them, I just wish I didn't have to see it, nor did the girls who were there the whole practice, or the ones who gave adequate notice. It was bad...

And Lastly for the bad news, my other Uncle Bob who also had cancer(this one is in florida), is now in the hospital because of his cancer.  I don't know how he is, but I have to call down there and give my Auntie M some distraction to the fact that her hubby is in the hospital again.


I guess I am emotionally done for the week, but if there is any other bad news I should know about, just tell me now, it will make it easier.

I meant to call my Great Uncle today, but a call from my father stopped that idea. I will be up in Detroit next week for a few days for that same Great Uncles funeral. Barely six months after his wife passed, he did. It's going to be awkward up there, again. When my Aunt passed, we all trecked up there for an awkward few days. Uncle Douchebag was up there, and he and my father are still fighting over Pappa's stuff. Now they are both in charge of everything up there, so here goes round five in the match.

It is really bad that instead of focusing on uncle bob's death, and whiskers(his kitty), and am focusing on my dad and his brothers fight, but it really has torn up my family. They were just in court against  each other last week. Its weird, wrong, and family should be together, unified, not fighting like toddlers over a hot wheel. I haven't heard from my cousin Jackie since my Grandpa's funeral two years ago, or my cousin Brandon since August at my Aunts Funeral. And of course, in true fashion, we are all going to be in the same house again, awkward, again... One day, this will be all taken care of, hopefully, and everything may get back to normal(or at least its nice to think that). I hate this, I hate it.

Rest in Peace Uncle Bob, Aunt Betty has been waiting for you. At least now the cancer is gone, and you are in a better place.

Got A Case of Love Bipolar

Its wierd how if youo change one thing that you do not like ever so slightly, then you like it. We are hot and then cold about certain subjects. I mean, taking food for example, I hate chicpeas. Hate them, they are gross, hard yet halfway through texturless and gross. They look gross. They are gross and I can't even stand to look at them. But mash them up, mix them with some salt, olive oil and a bit of seasoning and you get hummus, my favorite dipping snack in the world. The same goes for fish. My parents would only ever make my sister and I fish sticks when we were younger during lent, and it made me highly dislike lent. But then, one day, I had the cod that was in those fish sticks without the soggy breadding, and the wierd crispyness of the fish, and it was heaven at first bite. My aunt will be forever loved for this discovery both by my parents who were tired of me complaining about those damn fish sticks, and me for my new found love. I love seafood, more than just shrimp, crab, and lobster. Hell, give me a salmon or tillapia fillet every night.

So, what is the point in this? Well if you find a subject you dislike, say physiology, and change it just slightly, and you can love it. How do you do that? Adjust your studying technique, figure out how many time the professor says like or um during the class(only way I make it through nutrition and kines lab), or pay attention for so long, and then switch over to facebook for a minute or two. That always works. The thing is, we have the ability to enjoy everything, as long as we adjust it to our own needs.